crisis:
in family court.
I love law - I truly do. However, what I witness in family court these days sucks the soul right out of my body. So where did it come from, and why can’t it be stopped? Let’s dive in…
First, let me give you some background of my expertise. I am a family court survivor, as a child I was taken from my mother and my abusive father was given sole custody. As a mother, I fought against the very same system to keep my children safe, specifically my youngest son. As a professional I am an American Bar Association registered paralegal with a specialty in family law, I am also an award-winning legal advocate with a focus in family law. So what I am about to speak on, I know it inside, out, backwards, and blindfolded.
To understand the crisis, you have to understand where it comes from. There are many theories - from the overtly narcissistic society that we live in, to the lack of education and understanding. It is all of those, and none of those. The true motivation behind the crisis began with the influx of father’s rights activists and a narrative of parental alienation. As more father’s fought for the right to be equal parents, this opened the door for abusive parties, on both sides, to get an advantage in the fight. Parental alienation has become the MOST dangerous narrative of them all, specifically the parts of that narrative that depicts the following: “ALL mothers will lie about abuse to keep fathers away”…. “ALL mothers will forcibly keep their kids away from the father” … and let’s not forget the underlying issue that parental alienation was NEVER , I mean EVER, discussed from the perspective of a mother. When it was first launched into the family court system, it was only discussed from the side of the father. That is how a dangerous narrative is born, one that has shaped the crisis that you see today - and what are we seeing today? Here are just a few examples…
A case in family court in which a father was caught with illicit photos and videos of his own child. This father now has shared custody and all attempts at emergency custody, supervised time, and pleas to the Court, have failed.
A 9 year old child that testified directly to the judge, and told them of the sexual abuse he was experiencing from his father. That judge gave the father sole custody and completely cut off all of the Mother’s parenting time and contact. Mom, and her counsel, were then slapped with a gag order.
A judge refused to add a child to the already existing protection order that covered the Mother. After the child testified that he witnessed the attempted murder, the repeated assaults, and that his father kidnapped him from his mother - the judge still refused. Less than a week later the father showed up at the babysitter’s home and tried to kidnap the child, again.
Two children went to visit their father in another state for court ordered time. While the kids were with him he filed numerous ex parte motions (these are motions heard on an emergent basis and do not require that normal service is made to the other party) and was able to get sole custody of the children. The mother has not seen her children in years.
These are just four examples. Four. This is happening in courtrooms across the country, across the world, every single day. So how do we fight it? That is going to take a multi-disciplinary approach, one that I have researched for years. It is going to take a lot of work, and an overwhelming amount of support, and even more resolve. Let’s take a look…
step one: APPEALS & CLASS ACTIONS
Supreme Courts in the states, and even at the federal level don’t take every Writ that comes their way. When a trial court errs, or doesn’t follow their own law, anyone can appeal. We also need class action suits, and not one or two. One for each county, many for each state. These appeals may not change anything right away, the class actions either. However, it will bring attention to the problem - and attention is desperately needed.
step two: legislation
Family Court falls to the power of the States. The federal government does not have anything in place to handle custody on the federal level. Right now the only thing that holds any ground on the federal level is the UCCJEA, the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Enforcement Act. It was drafted to take over for the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act which didn’t properly cover the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act. UCCJEA places strict statutes to combat parental kidnapping. The point that I am making is that we need the federal government to sign one more law into effect. A law that would ensure protections for victims, survivors, and their children. I have drafted a law for this - although I am no law writer, and I know that it would have to be rewritten by a professional. However, it would put a standard into place for determining child custody when a party is found to be a perpetrator of domestic violence. We need something that would reach to every state, every county, every single district court.
STEP THREE: MANDATORY TRAINING
No, not just a workshop a few times a year. Actual training with professionals and continuing education requirements with the American and state Bar. Focus areas would be domestic violence, post separation abuse, DARVO, narcissistic personality disorder, substance use, and we would have them sit through lectures from REAL survivors that have experienced hell with family court so they could personally hear how things are often not what they seem to be. The training would be mandated for ANYONE sitting on a bench, referees, friend of the Court, GALs, AFC, attorneys, court officers, clerks, absolutely anyone that worked or operated in family court.
Now of course, this isn’t an immediate solution, but it is a solution. One that I think would have a shot if the right people stood behind us. As for me? I am going to fight with or without help. Something has to give, and someone has to fight.
